Looking at my first post for 2014, I remember how excited I was to get started with 2014, now 3 weeks later I feel like all that hope and excitement is gone. My dad died 11 days ago. He went into the hospital on Sunday the 12th with what the doctors thought was pnumonia and he died on Thursday the 16th. I'm numb, and in shock, and I'm angry, and sad, and am wondering what I did to deserve having both of my parents taken away from me.
I have to go back to work tomorrow, but that seems so stupid. I know going back to my daily routine will be good, but I don't know how I'm supposed to think about anything else but my dad not being around anymore. I felt the same when mom died. I kept thinking 'how can people just go on with their lives, when mine is so shattered and broken'.
People keep asking me how I'm doing - I hate that! I know it's because they don't know what else to say, and that's okay. I'm not doing okay. I don't have parents and I need my them. Even though I have my own life and am 32, I still need my mom and dad from time to time. I know I have family and friends to help me through this, but it's just different without your parents. I feel so alone and by myself without either one of them. I always thought my parents would die in their sleep when they were 105 years old! That was a real shock to me when mom died so young, but I guess I went back to that thinking that dad would die when he was old, or thinking that mom died so at least dad will be here for a long time.
When mom died I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know what grief was and how it would stay with me forever. Now I know what to expect and it sucks and I don't want to have to do it again. And I feel like I'm on double duty because not only am I dealing with dad dying, but I'm reliving my mom dying all over again. It's so unfair, and it hurts. I just wish there were a certain number of tears I could cry and the pain would stop for awhile.
I hate this and it hasn't even really completely set in yet. One thing I am happy about - for days I got to sit around with friends and family and share stories of my dad and we laughed and looked at pictures and it made it just a teeny bit better. He will be missed by so many people, most of those people I don't even know and it just exemplifies what a wonderful, caring person he was, and what a wonderful life he did live. I hope that when I go, I can have that many people at my funeral, and have so many people say such wonderful things about me!
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